A Guide to Putting a Two and Four Year Old to Bed

Put bedtime timer on and say “5 minutes to bedtime!”

Announce bedtime

Carry child upstairs after walking experiment failed

Change child’s cloths, or, more likely, undress so she can sleep naked

Brush teeth

Ask if she needs to go to the bathroom or get a drink

Hear her say she does not need a drink or to go to the bathroom

Prayers, Tuck In, Lights Out, Say Goodnight

Answer the question of “Can I have a drink of water” with yes

Answer the question of “Can I go to the bathroom” with yes, (for your own sake if nothing else)

Tell child to leave the bathroom and go to bed

Answer the question “Can I have another drink” with no

Answer the question “Why do people have tongues?” with “We will talk about it in the morning”

Answer the question, “Why can’t I have a pony” with “I’m not talking to you anymore til tomorrow!”

Hear the sound of running little feet

Yell up to the child to go to bed

Yell up to the child to go to bed

Yell up to the child to go to bed

Go upstairs and turn off the light, lock door from outside

Drink a glass of wine to the tune of a crying child

Fall asleep on the couch as the house finally goes silent 2 hours later

Repeat nightly